"Please don't eat sushi! Love, Mom" is now...S'MOTHERBOARD

PDES IS CHANGING!

2011-01-10T19:41:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year, everyone!

I've been quite the busy little blogger over the past few years. Working hard every night from my plush crib in the San Fernando Valley. Oh the hours I spent alone staring into those bottomless (now torn) paper bags and plastic containers (now swelling) that housed my mother's letters. They all had to be taken out and placed in chronological order. "Can't deal with the kids tonight, honey!" Nope. No siree! I was waaaay too busy. Too busy remembering. Talking. Re-connecting. Dreaming. Smiling. Plotting. And writing like a wacko with a new found purpose in life. THIS was gonna be sweet!

Abrams Publishing, (the same publishing company responsible for the "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" series), signed me to a fabulous book deal for the story of how my mother's letters completely and continually terrorize my life. Can you believe?! Soon, the book will be available at Barnes and Nobles and other bookstores throughout the land! I had a few ideas for what was to be the title and finally settled on, S'Mother. Just seemed more instantly understandable than, "Please Don't Eat Sushi, Love, Mom." It's available for pre-order on Amazon, and will be officially released in time for this Mother's Day in May of 2011!

It's all very exciting. For my mother? Well, not so much. I mean, she's got more important things to focus on. (Like,worrying.)

This blog will be redirected by early February to pair with the book's title and a new website is in the process of being built for all things S'Mother! There's more stuff to tell you, but that's all for now. In the mean time, please pre-order the book. Tell a friend. Tell a co-worker. It's time. It's Mother. It's S'Mother.

Yours truly-
Adam

Tuh-Tuh-Tuh

2011-01-02T17:07:00.000-08:00

Yiddish dictionaries define Poo-Poo-Poo, (or here seen as Tuh-Tuh-Tuh), as an expression that simulates spitting 3x to ward off the evil eye.
Happy New Year, Everybody!
(Or in other words, Ting tang, walla walla bing bang.)

Adam-
This New Year 2011 should be the best year for you and Maria and the kids!
Tuh-Tuh-Tuh.
Love you all and enjoy the year!
Love,
Mom

A Happy Face

2010-12-26T19:44:00.000-08:00

Pickle? Really? (Insert sad face here...)

1/24/94
Pickle-
1. If and when you decide to come to Florida, let me know. I have to order a roll-a-way bed. They deliver.
2. Don't confront the stalker who's bothering Dana. Just call police.
I'm sorry you're having so much stress. Take an aspirin before going to bed and get a full night's sleep so you can work.
Enclosed find $20 to help with gas or a lunch?
Love,
Mom
A Happy Face

Cock and Bull Story

2010-12-17T14:23:00.000-08:00

Love the ending...
"Will call you Sunday"...
to see if you're still alive, that is.

March 2, 1984
Dear Adam,
After our conversation, I was thinking, don't you think it would be a good idea to go into the film industry after college? They pay so well and from there, you could make contacts and get people to hear your music. This way, you could be making money and making contacts at the same time. You could also write music for the movies! This is one way to get people to notice you! Think about it. It's better than pounding on doors!
I'm very busy at work! We've had some cases where we have had to take some kids away from their parents 'cause of child abuse. These parents are very upset about it and angry at me. Don't go anywhere with any strangers. Even if they tell you a 'cock and bull' story. Check it out first. I'm only trying to do my job, but I'm not winning any friends or influencing people! I know I'm paranoid but I'd rather be on the safe side.
Will call you Sunday.
Love-
Mom

Too Many Songs Are No Good

2010-12-12T07:39:00.000-08:00

I suppose she expects 10%...

Did you know the names of these CEO's?
Send a tape of your 2 songs only!
If You Walked Into My Life and The Moon song!
Too many songs are no good.

The Jersey Family

2010-12-04T21:46:00.000-08:00

But I heard her exclaim, ‘ere she drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all...,
except for those people in Jersey!"

Thursday
Adam-
I'm not telling you who to be friends with. It just offends me that Bonnie and the Jersey Family have nothing to do with me except when you're in town, and that's because my life is hard and I have no money. If I were married and had money, it would be different. They don't want to deal with anything unpleasant. That is why Claire-Ruth has nothing to do with Nan. My sister has nothing to do with me. The only thing that offends me is that YOU are not offended by this.
They are self-absorbed, narcissistic people and I want nothing to do with them, either. So, when Holidays come around and they celebrate and do NOT invite me, do not expect me to go when you show up in town and I suddenly get an invitation.
Mom

Do NOT

2010-11-28T06:51:00.000-08:00

OK. Got it.
Holy crap-wait...don't I have to put a stamp on the envelope?

June 21, 1985
Adam-
Enclosed find 3 separate letters or papers.
1. Says you have to sign claim form (yellow paper) on bottom where it is circled only in order for it to remain current.
2. Sign white sheet where it says other group insurance.
3. Do NOT fill out anything on yellow sheet other than your signature where it is circled.
Do NOT answer where you are employed, income, or anything else. What I filled out is enough. I spoke to the insurance man on the phone and he said name and address and a signature is enough.
Put the 3 papers in the envelope and mail.

Even George

2010-11-20T19:46:00.001-08:00

Et tu, Georgey?

May 31, 1985
Adam-
Be careful not to sign anything in connection with the car! You are liable for anything you sign. And since I have no money to help, (I'm even struggling to pay my rent this month!), you don't want to be held responsible.
Don't trust anybody. Even George.
He is only out for himself to sell a car and get money!
Love,
Mom

Major Work

2010-11-14T07:23:00.000-08:00

And I'm told some people, neglect their teeth.

9/22/00
Adam-
Please make sure your tires are checked every few months
and make sure they're not Firestone Tires.
They say most people neglect their tires and they are so important.
I'm going to have major work done on my teeth.
I have an abscess on an old root canal.
I'm so afraid of this work.
Mom

Corn Comes Out The Way It Goes In

2010-11-07T19:53:00.000-08:00

I'm prepared to offer a small prize to anyone who's able to tell me what the hell the last line of this letter means.

Sunday
Adam-
Don't eat nuts! It is bad for you and very hard to digest.
That's why the doctor told me not to eat corn or anything that can get caught in the intestine. As you know, corn comes out the way it goes in!
I have gallstones, a hernia, a sensitive intestine and high blood pressure so because I've been to enough doctors, I have some knowledge of what not to eat. I also have arthritis but because of my age, I'm not complaining.
I'm not putting you in my category at all. Just watch what you put in your mouth and get enough rest. You'll be fine.
Keep your bowels open.
Love,
Mom

Tim

2010-10-30T21:51:00.000-07:00

Oh No! NOT THE DREADED NASAL INFECTION!!!!

3/18/1986
Monday
Dear Adam,
Just a thought!
Tim had an infection before I left.
A nasal infection.
That can be contagious if you drink from the same glass or use the same utensil.
So I hope you didn't catch it from him.
If you did, you have to go on antibiotics, so you can call Dr. Caplan and he can order it over the phone.
Love,
Mom

Miami Beach

2010-10-23T15:24:00.000-07:00

Attention Weather Channel: Meet your new weather girl...

May 24, 1986
Dear Adam,
Saw this card and thought you'd like it.
It's very hot here. It's so humid you could drop!
Love you-
Mom

Benny's Brother

2010-10-16T21:09:00.000-07:00

Calling Lt. Bejar. Lt. Bejar. Come in. Over...

10/27/00
Adam-
IF I go to Nan's, I'm not looking forward to staying with Michael. He has the bedroom and Nan and I will be in living-room.
I will be there very little as Nan and I will be out most of the time.
My pager will not work there, so if you have to reach me and their phone doesn't work or Michael forgets to give me a message, and it's important, just tell Benny's brother, who is a police officer in Miami to go to 516 15th street, #12. That's the address of Nan's apartment near Pennsylvania Avenue. You should have it. But, I'm not going to call you while I'm there unless absolutely necessary. I plan to go 11/22 and come back 11/27.
Love,
Mom

A Bunch of Liars

2010-10-10T22:20:00.000-07:00

Hi! It's Adam calling.
Is my mother, Joan available...?
What? She's on her lunchbreak?
Hmmm..., I don't believe you.

Wednesday
Dear Adam-
Just a note to tell you not to call my office at any time. I'm having a lot of trouble with them and they're a bunch of liars!
Love,
Mom

I Thought This Was Aprapo {sic}

2010-10-03T19:08:00.000-07:00

This pissed my wife off.

Fax Transmittal Sheet

2010-09-26T20:03:00.000-07:00

"How Technology Helped Me Embarrass My Son"
By: Adam's Mom

5/7/00
To: Adam
This Message is from: Mom, The Pierre Hotel
Number of Pages: 1
Poopie-
I'm waiting for my friends to go out for dinner and we decided
to meet at the Pierre. I always arrive early. It's 90 degrees today.
That's why I still have a cold.
Love and Kisses.

Dr. Chester

2010-09-19T11:09:00.000-07:00

Fine. I'll put off the Lasik.

Wednesday
Adam-
Your grandfather, Dr. Chester, once told me if you can avoid surgery and take other courses of treatment, do so, because surgery is a last resort. He said it can cause other problems that are more severe than original problem. Case in point, he had open heart surgery. They said the operation was a success.
Maybe.
But he died 15 hours later.
Love,
Mom

Adam is Lucky

2010-09-12T08:09:00.000-07:00

Yup.
Somethin's definitely wrong.

Thursday
Maria,
You're doing a terrific job as a mother and a working mother at that!
You're very special and Adam is lucky to have you.
Just thought I'd treat you to a nice lunch while at work.
Love,
Joan

I'm Your Friend

2010-09-06T09:38:00.000-07:00

"Friend...Good. FRIENNNNNND...GOOOOOOOOOD!"

So, Don't listen to all these "do-gooders." They may even tell you they have done "such and such". Just because they did it, doesn't mean it's right.
Listen to your old mom. I know you think I don't know much of anything, but one thing you can count on, I'm in your corner.
More than anyone else is.
I'm your friend.
Love,
Mom

Little Black Book

2010-08-28T07:56:00.000-07:00

So I went to clean out some other boxes of crap in my garage and there this was. Straight outta 1985. Hey, it said, "Little Black Book" and I guess I thought that was kinda cool to have back then. Besides, it was before the internet, dating sites, cell phones and the like, and I needed something to keep track of all the women I was dating at the time.
Right.
Anyway, I went thumbing through the pages.
Wow-I remember Holly. I wonder what happened to her!
Oh jeez-Joy. We didn't even date after I met her that...
And then in one single solitary second, everything came crashing to a halt right then and there in my garage under the letter, 'N'.
It was that handwriting.
Come On!
Seriously?
When? How? For God's sake...Why? Did I need to have that in here?
Was anything I ever did or ever came to possess, sacred? Ever?

Eggs

2010-08-22T16:52:00.000-07:00

I knew it was only a matter of time before this showed up, as I wouldn't return any of her phone messages.
And now if you'll excuse me, I must go finish my frittata.

Flight Attendant Report

2010-08-15T06:45:00.000-07:00

What if her FIRST flight never made it?
I guess I would have been screwed.
And potentially by a Nun.

Dear Adam-
I'm on the plane and this is the only stationary they have.
I wanted to tell you, in case the plane back doesn't make it, Marian is paid in full until September 1. Don't let her tell you otherwise. Some checks were made to her. Others made to Jubilee West in Oakland, CA where her daughter is a Nun.
The checks were issued on 1st Interstate Bank.
My will should be in bag in your apartment in a canvas bag of mine, or with Leonard Cooperman, lawyer in Miami.
Love,
Mom
Keep this letter. It's legal proof.

The Thing That You're Supposed To Have

2010-08-08T11:14:00.000-07:00

I know. She's right. But when you're in your 40's, the whole reprimanding thing gets a wee bit embarrassing, don't you think? And speaking of thinking, is she following me...?

Monday
Listen, Adam-
I saw you in the car the other day on the phone without the thing that you're supposed to have. You just can't do that. It's just too dangerous. I don't even care about the fine. But it's too dangerous to be on the phone when you're driving. I just saw a movie on TV, I won't tell you about it. You cannot be on the phone when you're driving. I don't know how many times you have to be told!
Love,
Mom

Tell Gretchen Not To Answer Any Questions

2010-08-02T13:22:00.001-07:00

Bonnie-my Aunt
Gretchen-my old roommate

November 5, 1985
I don't like the fact that Bonnie talks to Gretchen like "an old friend".
Who knows what questions she asks Gretchen.
It's like she interigates {sic} her.
Tell Gretchen not to answer any questions.
Mom

Discrepency

2010-07-24T21:20:00.000-07:00

And in this corner...defending her title...
weighing in at 112 pounds...from Bayonne, New Jersey...
Adaammm's Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Thursday
Adam-
I'm really upset!
You and Maria had a fit when I told you I'd have to stay at your place for a month. So I called my friend and I only had to stay 2 weeks at your house! Yet, Annette, when she was there for 2 months, you both were happy to see her leave!
Now, she's coming out for July and August and she'll have to have use of a car too so Maria will have to take you and pick you up from work. Plus, her airfare and all the food she buys.Why is there such a discrepency between how you treat me and her mother?
Love,
Mom

Sunday, Wednesday, Friday

2010-07-17T22:00:00.000-07:00

Three letters. One topic. Same week.
You ready?
Go!

#1
Sunday
Adam-
The Jewish newspaper in LA at the newsstand on Fairfax near Canter's, they will have ads for music teachers at the various temples. Their requirements are not the same as public schools. If you're interested, this will give you a salary and a lot of paid vacation time to pursue other things. You could sell the pianos in the summer when school is closed. With your background at the Hebrew Academy, they will love you!
Mom
(over)
Did Maria get the priority mail I sent her?
P.S. I'm thinking of coming to LA to see you on Labor Day which is the beginning of September. I have a week's vacation. Is that all right? Please let me know so I can buy my ticket.

#2
Wednesday
Adam-
I'm just concerned that you won't have the security of a salary if it's only commission. If you worked in a school as a music teacher, you would have a salary and benefits. What benefits do they give you?
Love,
Mom
Also-
If you have a show Saturday night, how can you work all day Saturday? Maybe you only have to work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday? Yes?
Mom

#3
Friday
Do you want to have the hectic life of a salesman? Why wouldn't you want a job with job security and vacations and bonuses and such? Teaching in a private school like a temple school can do that. What happened to that job with Scott to score his movie? You never keep me on top of these things.
It's your life so please forgive me to be so presumptuous as to tell you what to do. I just want life to be fulfilling for you so whatever you choose to do, I am behind you.
Did you know your father was considering on going back to Medical School just before he got sick and he was in his early 40's?
Love,
Mom

Maybe They're Looking For A Heart-Throb

2010-07-12T09:25:00.000-07:00

That's right. You heard her.
Go wild!

Adam-
Maybe you could send a tape to Fenster with a photograph of you.
All the teenagers would go wild when they see you and hear you!
What can you lose?
Maybe they're looking for a Heart-Throb!

I'm Very Serious

2010-07-04T20:52:00.000-07:00

Warnings.
For my mother, they're as constant as the Four Seasons...
Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall. Only here, they're better known as-
Aunt Bonnie, Uncle Michael, Alisa and Saul.

March 14, 1988
Saturday
Dear Adam,
Don't tell Bonnie any of your business unless you want everyone to know.
She likes to talk to people. It makes her feel important.
Don't ever let Michael in your apartment. He's no good and he'll steal anything you have when you're not looking. I'm very serious. I won't let him in mine and Bonnie told me she won't let him in hers.
You better believe if he shows up there, it's for no good.
Is Alisa working or going to school? What is she doing? What are her goals?
Saul, my landlord, is a bastard and after June, I will be out of here.
Love,
Mom

40 Girls

2010-06-27T20:06:00.000-07:00

Well, if she couldn't be a coddling mother to ONE,
why not try being a coddling mother to MANY!
The year? 1996. The zip? 77840. The outcome? What do you think?

Hi!
Getting ready for the girls to move in. One more week of being alone and then 40 girls move in with me! Help!
Love,
Mom
My zip is 77840.

Finish all the Kid's Food

2010-06-19T10:25:00.000-07:00

This note from my mother arrived yesterday. I guess it's my Father's Day card.
Doesn't bottled up humiliation cause cancer?

Your Pea Coat

2010-06-13T09:29:00.000-07:00

Calling all Burlington Coat Factory and Sears advertising Execs...
there's gotta be a commercial here somewhere.

Monday
Adam-
Did you buy yourself a winter coat? Because if you go with Maria to NY in March, it is bitter cold and your Pea Coat will not be warm enough! You have no time to get sick. Please buy yourself a coat.
Burlington Coat Factory has good buys.
Also, make sure your tires and Maria's tires are sound. I will gladly pay for 2 new tires. 1 for you and 1 for Maria.
Sears has best buy on tires.
Love,
Mom

John Barry

2010-06-06T07:11:00.000-07:00

Hi, may I speak with Mr. Barry?
Yes, my mother suggested I call.
Hello?

Adam,
The music that was composed by John Barry from the movie, "Out of Africa", just beautiful. Do you know how to get a hold of John Barry? You should collaborate with him. You and he have much in common. Music that touches the soul.
Mom

So I Know What's Happening

2010-05-29T21:55:00.001-07:00

Story Structure 101, with Adam's Mom.
Normal thought. Normal thought. Huh?

June 17, 1996
Adam-
It was a delight seeing you and Vicky. Let me know when your travel plans materialize so I know what's happening.
Is your car insured for other people to drive?
Love,
Mom

Don't Be Anxious

2010-05-22T21:26:00.000-07:00

What? NOW I'm anxious.

Monday
Adam-
Listen.
Don't be upset, because when you're upset or in a hurry,
you trip, you fall and you break your leg.
You can't afford any more of that! Something good is going to happen soon. My horoscope says so. Just take care of yourself, and don't be anxious.
Because then, you make things worse than it is.
OK?
Have a little faith.
Love,
Mom

Stay Away

2010-05-16T07:39:00.000-07:00

Nanny are you ok? So Nanny are you ok? Are you Ok, Nanny?

Saturday
Adam-
Don't go near Nan until we find out from the doctor why she has a rash all over her body and face! I don't know if it's contagious. So stay away.
Love,
Mom

Capricorn Man

2010-05-09T07:08:00.000-07:00

First the horoscope arrived.
Then about a week or so later, came the letter.
By the way, I am a Capricorn Man. My wife, is a Gemini.
Welcome to La Vida Loca.
And Happy Mother's Day, Everybody!

Thursday
Adam-
1. I had NO idea that was on the horoscope. I didn't even remember what Maria's birthday was. (I only read the CUTE saying they had.)
2. If you want me to be the "Bad" guy in this for something "harmless", then so be it. I can't control what people think! If I bothered to look at that part of the clipping, I may have thought twice. But, it was so unimportant to me, I never even looked! Maria should know in her heart how very much I care for her!
3. If you still have the cold after the antibiotics stop, you should have the doctor renew them 'cause I had to renew mine when I had the flu. You have to stay on 1 week longer. It's so cold up here now, I had to put on my heavy "down" coat 'cause I don't want to get sick again.
Take care-
Love,
Mom

Captain O'Reilly

2010-05-02T22:51:00.000-07:00

This is more about a phone call than the subsequent fax.
So please bear with me.
Only the names have been changed to protect the ambushed.
My mother was coming back to California from New York the other day. There were strong winds in the area, so the plane couldn't take off on time and was going to be delayed by three hours. While waiting at her gate, she called to let me know that I shouldn't worry about picking her up. They wouldn't be landing until after midnight. "That's fine", I said. "Thanks for letting me..."
"Hang on a second...", my mother interrupted. "Captain? Captain?...
Adam, listen, the pilot of the plane wants to talk to you for a second. Here. This is my son, Adam."

Captain O'Reilly: Hello?
Adam: Hello?
Captain O'Reilly: Hi, this is Captain O'Reilly. I'm here with your mom. (Pause.)
Adam: Is this really the Captain of the plane?
Captain O'Reilly: Yes. Your mom wanted me to tell you that we're going to be delayed about three hours due to the strong winds we're having here. She just didn't want you to worry.
Adam: I...can't believe she got you on the phone to tell me that.
AWKWARD PAUSE
Captain O'Reilly: No problem. Have a great day.
Adam: Thanks.
Captain O'Reilly: Here's your mom again.
Adam's Mom: Hello?
Adam: (Dialtone.)

Upon her return, she handed me the following note to fax to the airline.
How does a guy like me keep his mojo?

Please send to Human Resource Department
Re: Captain O'Reilly
4/29/10
Dear Sir:
I took a flight from >>>>> to California. We were booked to leave at 6PM Eastern Time. There was a delay and we didn't leave until 9PM. I was so impressed by the Pilot-Captain O'Reilly that I had to write this letter.
I was in a wheelchair and he was so considerate and caring for my welfare that I felt completely safe and secure about the flight (late or not).
He even took the time to call my son in Burbank on my cell phone to let him know of the delay and not to worry.
Because of his concern for all the passengers, he is one of the few pilots I have seen that has the empathy and respect that others do not have.
Therefore, I believe he deserves some kind of recognition.
Thank you. It was my pleasure.
Joan

Sketch Larry Did

2010-04-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

This letter and napkin arrived in the early 1990's, right before my big trip to Australia with my then-girlfriend, Dana. Thank you Larry, (whoever you are), for capturing the essence of confidence, joy and complete lack of fear that was, is, and always will be..., my mother.

Adam-
Enclosed find sketch Larry did of me. Don’t my eyes look sad?
Anyhow, Bon Voyage and have fun.
Love,
Mom
P.S. Is this a better note?

Ashes In A Closet

2010-04-18T07:35:00.000-07:00

Whenever my mother travels, a letter from her is inevitable and its topic will always involve her passing. This one arrived right before her recent trip to New York.

I Wonder What He Was Doing

2010-04-11T15:45:00.000-07:00

What?

Sunday
Dear Adam-
One of the neighbors told me she saw Saul, the landlord go into my apartment when I was at work. I asked him if he did and why and he said he doesn’t recall doing it!
I know the neighbor wouldn’t make up a story and I wonder what he was doing when he comes in here! You just feel like your privacy has been invaded! I’m going to tell him not to come in here unless I know about it! Anyhow, I got that off my chest.
I sent Dr. Rish another $25. I don’t understand why you to to him so much! You only have to send Iliana $100. You can pay her the other $100 later.
I love you.
Mom

I Play The Lottery

2010-04-03T20:32:00.000-07:00

"You've got to ask yourself one question...Do I feel lucky?"

Tuesday
Adam-
Since I had to get out of my place that I was renting with a very unpleasant lady, you let me come stay with you for a couple of weeks until I move into my new place, and I really appreciate it as I know you both have a busy life. What with the kids, the Nanny, and the two of you both working, I realize it's quite an imposition to say the least! Even a relative should not be a handicap to their children!
I play the lottery once in awhile and if I win tonight, I'll move into a hotel (which is what I would prefer) and I'd be very happy to give you kids half of my winnings as I know things are hard for you both in this recession (as it is for a lot of people.)
But, we should all remember to count our blessings and we have many to be grateful for.
Love,
Mom

Role Model

2010-03-28T08:32:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles/Summer 2010
Family seeking...
Part-time housekeeper for out of state family member's visit;
OR
Full-time therapist for in-state neurotic mother.

Sunday
Adam,
I have always tried to protect you from both Bonnie and Michael when you were a kid because they were dysfunctional and both had obvious sociopathic disorders.
I'm concerned about my grandchildren now when it comes to Bonnie's possible visit to stay with you. She smokes pot, she's a pig, and leaves her urine on the seat after she goes.
I know it's up to you and Maria with whether she stays with you or not. Just as I told you about (Cousin) Laurie, I'm voicing my concern.
She is NO role model for the children. Ask (Cousin) Andrew. He had to throw her (literally) out of his house.
Mom

Superior Wife

2010-03-21T09:32:00.001-07:00

Obviously, she wants something.

Beautiful Nose

2010-03-13T08:05:00.001-08:00

This one blows in from 1983.

Wednesday
Dear Adam-
Just a note to remind you that if you have to pay anyone for anything, write a check from your CHECKING ACCOUNT. Do not pay any other way. If you don't have enough in your checking account, wait until you do before you pay any bills.
I have a busy day tomorrow so I'll try to get to bed early.
Love,
Mom
P.S. You have a beautiful nose! Don't let anyone touch it!

Yellow Lights

2010-03-06T07:39:00.000-08:00

This came to me about a month or so before Maria and I had our first child.
We lived 5 minutes away from the Hospital.

Tuesday
Adam-
When the time comes and you have to drive Maria to the hospital, make sure you don't go through yellow lights as you have to get her there in one piece.
Your Dad drove me very slowly when it was my time and it's good to go for a trial run to see how long it takes obeying all the lights!
Love,
Mom

Do Me A Favor-Please Don't Eat Sushi

2010-02-27T08:14:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, here it is! The letter and newspaper clipping from 1989 that inspired the title for this blog! It was waiting for me to re-discover it at the bottom of one of my piles.
So without further ado, it is my honor to share it here with you. Right now, for the very first time!
The worm has turned.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

There, I Feel Better

2010-02-20T07:38:00.000-08:00

Uh oh. I sold that piano with the bench.

Sunday
Dear Adam
As I'm getting on in years, you should know that my Will is in the piano bench and my life insurance policy is with Mutual of Omaha.
There, I feel better.
Love,
Mom

Lutheran

2010-02-13T08:28:00.000-08:00

If this letter from the late 80's could be performed as a scene of a phone conversation with my Jewish mother, my part would probably go something like this:
Hello? Hi Mom. Ok. Ok. Ok. Oh, right. Ok. Cool. Right. Ugg. Nice girl...right. Alright. What? (Click.) Hello? Mom? Hello? (End scene.)

Saturday
Adam-
This is my plan. When I get the ticket from you to go to California on Thanksgiving, I'll stay with you for that weekend. Then, I'll stay with Reva for 3 weeks. The lady near Melrose.
Then, I'll fly to NY on December 26th, stay with Bonnie for 2 weeks. Then, move into the woman's residence in NY and live there while I work at that paper on Wall Street. I can't stay here any longer than Thanksgiving!!! I'd rather be dead. This is no place for a nice girl like me!
So, when I call to make my ticket, it will only be 1 way.
Love,
From your Lutheran Mom

Grapes

2010-02-06T07:19:00.000-08:00

In Adam's family, nothing is regular.

Monday
Adam-
Grapes are very good for having bowel movements. I didn't see any grapes in your house!!
Mom

I Know What I'm Talking About

2010-01-30T19:22:00.000-08:00

Looking back on it all, I can't believe what a fool I've been. Of COURSE my mother knew the truth about her own father and his "business". She lived with the man until she was 3 years old! Oh sure, they lost touch for decades when he left, but my mother kept tabs. And in her own cryptic way, she was obviously just trying to protect me from his posse and their covert ties with the underworld.

Sunday,
Adam-
I sent you $20 at your home. You never mentioned it.
Here's a little extra for your pocket.
Love,
Mom
P.S. Don't get involved with Pop's business. And don't sign anything regarding his business! I know what I'm talking about.

Prostitutes

2010-01-23T07:40:00.000-08:00

My maternal grandfather. He divorced my grandmother long before I was born, and she married the man I grew up knowing and loving as, my grandfather. Little did I know until my senior year of high school that (Surprise!) THAT guy wasn't my "BLOOD" grandfather. No no. This guy in Joisey (who never remarried and allegedly liked the occasional nookie from whores), was. Go figure. Sure I wanted him at my wedding. But there was my mother with her letter. Filling my head with the necessary commentary one needs to hear right before their big day. You know, I'm beginning to wonder if my mother (Surprise!) is really my mother.

8/21/01
Adam-
Dementia is when the brain has deteriorated and the person cannot function rationally. So, anything he says is questionable. So, STAY AWAY from him before the wedding 'cause he's trouble with a capital 'T'.
I've tried to hire a reputable woman for him but he'd rather have his prostitutes! His friends (Frank, the barber) told me to stay away from him and concentrate on my own life. They all know he's weird! Don't worry. If he goes to wedding, Nan and I will gag and bind him! We'll take care of him.
Mom
P.S. $20 is for a pizza for you and Maria

THE LA PHIL SIGN

2010-01-18T10:11:00.001-08:00

A big thanks to my pal, Ian!
I just may have to print this out and mail it to my mother.

LA Philharmonic

2010-01-17T08:05:00.000-08:00

I can almost see the marquee now...
MR. BERENTHAL PRESENTS...
THE LA PHILHARMONIC PLAYING SELECTED POP SONGS BY
SOME GUY YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF.

Tuesday
Adam-
Enclosed find $50 just for you. I sent a $100 money order last
week to your house. Did you get it? It was for your anniversity (sic).
Love,
Mom
(over)
Have you ever heard of Famous Artists? Anyhow, I spoke with
Mr. Berenthal who is the creator. He said to find out who the Manager of LA Philharmonic is and call him and ask if the Philharmonic can play one of your pieces at the Pop concerts that they put on. They sometimes do this.
Also, Mr. Bernthal , who was also Head of the Music Department at Syracuse, said for me to tell him who manager is because if he knows him, he'll make sure your compositions are played by LA Philharmonic.

Important Papers

2010-01-09T07:31:00.000-08:00

Good thing I listened.

June 19, 1987
Adam-
Enclosed find check and stamps.
Love, Mom
Put important papers in a safe place.

People Are So Odd

2010-01-02T06:21:00.000-08:00

Proof once again that in my family, odd is relative.

Monday
Dear Adam,
Just a note to say hello.
The night you had your car stolen and I reported it to the insurance company the next day, do you know the only thing Nan was concerned about 'cause she heard me on the phone was, "How did Adam afford to put an $800 stereo in the car?!" I didn't answer, but she kept repeating it. Can you imagine! It's none of her business!
Love,
Mom
P.S. People are so odd.

This Is Not Your Hysterical Mother Talking

2009-12-26T09:43:00.000-08:00

Now here's a little known follow-up to the classic song, "What are you doing New Year's Eve?"
Here's, "What you shouldn't be doing New Year's Eve", from Adam's Mom.
Happy New Year, eveybody!

11/18/99
We're preparing a list at work for all our clients who would be at risk should electricity in New York stop because of the Y2K problem January 31, 2000. This means no traffic lights, no mass transportation, no phones or refrigeration, no lights, no elevators. So, the thought occurred to me...Don't drive that night and don't take elevators. Keep a flashlight on hand and have some canned food in apartment. Don't go on subways. Stay near where you're staying so you can walk back to apartment. You need bottled water and a manual can opener. When you get to apartment where you're staying, get prepared just in case of emergency. See what you need. This is not your hysterical mother talking. We have been so instructed at work by a well informed computer expert!!!! Better to take precaution than be sorry.
Love, Mom

Live Your Dreams

2009-12-19T10:38:00.000-08:00

Christmas is my birthday.
My mother-in-law, (who's visiting us over the Holidays), was very disturbed by this card. Kept asking me if the guy on the front was related to me. "Why else would she send that card with that strange, disgusting man on it?"
Don't you just love being around loved ones this time of year? Come on...sing with me...
We are family! I got all my mothers with me...
Merry Christmas, Everyone!

Oops, Mom

2009-12-12T07:53:00.000-08:00

Found this letter just in time for the holidays, and I can't decide which is more odd. The fact that my mother isn't sure I'd know what the word, "Gelt" means, (after sending me to Hebrew school for 6 years), or the fact that she's not quite sure who SHE is. By the way, Annette is my mother in law.
I think.
Oh, I don't know.

11/29/99
Adam-
Enclosed find a little Hanukkah gelt, which means money. Use it to buy whatever.
Spoke with Annette. We're supposed to meet one day next week and go to a comedy club.
Love, Joan
Oops, Mom

Enjoy This CD

2009-12-05T07:54:00.000-08:00

Perhaps I'm over-analyzing everything she sends me...but it got me thinking. Maybe I AM a little overweight...??!

Someone That Turns Me Off!

2009-11-27T21:15:00.000-08:00

Letter Dictionary:
Graham=Someone she dated.
Dundee=Someone she never dated but admired.
Adam=Me=Her son=Someone who'd have preferred never reading ANY of this.

Thursday
Adam-
The guy (Graham) really is a Jerk! He's NO Dundee either! He's not at all masculine. A wimp! I can't stand weak men! That's why he likes that German lady. She's happy to take control. And Adam, I can't go to bed with someone that turns me off! I don't think you could either!
I don't know if there's anyone out there for me. If not, I'll just do the best I can on my own. I'd rather be alone than put up with someone's behavior that makes me want to throw up. If I weren't so particular, I could have been re-married 10 times already!
Take care of you for me. You're the most important man in my life. (Until another comes along.)
Love-
Mom

Chamomile Tea

2009-11-21T07:43:00.000-08:00

This letter keeps me up at night.

BLUE

2009-11-14T07:28:00.000-08:00

So my mother mailed me this NY POST photo clipping back in 2000, showing me how the star of the movie, "Blue", in her opinion, looks like my wife. Innocent enough. Sure. What she swears she didn't notice is that little synopsis directly under the picture which explains the movie to be all about a young woman who loses her musician-husband and child in a car wreck.
Now THAT, boys and girls, is what I call WEIRD.

Doesn't this look like Maria?

Man of Mystery

2009-11-07T07:26:00.000-08:00

Normally, I'd explain the WHO? and the WHAT? of this letter.
But thanks to its advice from 1988...,
Today, I am a man of mystery.
Thursday
Dear Adam,
I hope when you talk to Alisa, you don't confide everything in her. Specifically, regarding your financial condition. She doesn't have to know all your personal business. You don't know if she repeats it to her mother or not.
In any event, keep certain things to yourself. If you get married, that's another matter! But, until that happens, it's better to remain a man of mystery than one who bears all. Girls like a little challenge.
Love,
Mom

I Will Have To Be Committed

2009-11-01T07:15:00.000-08:00

So let me get this straight...
HER mom, drives HER crazy?
Hmmm...

Sunday
Hello.
Thought I'd plan on coming out for 2 nights. Alone. I need to have a little space from Nan for 2 days and I want to see Truman. So, I'm planning on beginning of March. Will discuss dates with you to what's convenient for you. I would stay at the hotel only because I need very much to be alone or I will have to be committed. My identity has been lost just when I almost had one and I have to recover it.
Love,
Mom
P.S. Could you send Clive Davis, who is again head of Arista Records, a sample of your music? He's 71 years old now and Jewish and I think he would listen to you. Try!
Did you and Maria start your taxes?

Nowhere Near Spain

2009-10-24T09:07:00.000-07:00

I don't think she'd be my 1st choice for "phone-a-friend"...

5/10/97
Adam-
Enclosed find a little check to buy brunch for you and Vicky.
I love you.
When are you going on your vacation?
And where are you going?
Are you still going to Spain?
Morocco is in South Africa and is nowhere near Spain!
I'll speak to you next week.
Love, Mom

Call Seinfeld

2009-10-17T13:20:00.000-07:00

I'm not gonna tell her. YOU tell her!

Don't Walk From Car To Car

2009-10-10T07:40:00.000-07:00

Horrible as this clipping is, I'm sure any Shrink would have a field day with this one...

"Of virtues I most warmly bless, most rarely see unselfishness.
And to put graver sins aside, I own a preference for pride."
Enclosed find money for Channuka.
Also, horrible clipping of what happens when you walk thru cars on subways. You could fall on tracks! Don't walk thru cars.
Love,
Mom
P.S. I decided NOT to take out additional insurance with Chase Bank as I had told you.

Are You Getting My Mail??

2009-10-03T08:29:00.001-07:00

I believe it was my grandmother who use to write me checks for money she didn't actually have. As for my mother..., what mail?

Sunday
Dear Adam-
Since that check bounced, and they deducted $30 or so from your account, make sure you have enough in the account so that other checks you write won't bounce. I know something like that can really foul you up!! When I told her, all she said was, OH! Just don't trust any other checks from her. They're all full of shit!
Are you getting my mail?? You never seem to answer any of my questions!
Love,
Mom

Gorgeous

2009-09-26T07:25:00.000-07:00

When you look at the letter, do YOU find it odd that my name was written in a box labeled, CASE NAME??? Hello? Mr. DeMille? Anybody?

2/1/2000
ADAM
SUGGESTION
Go to some of the Major Motion Picture Studios. (Paramount, MGM, etc.) They have a personnel office. Take your resume and speak to one of the officers and tell them you're looking for a job related to music. What openings do they have. Sometimes, they need in-house musicians and you have to go (in person) 'cause once they see how gorgeous you are, all the people will help you in your pursuit. It won't hurt to go as they do have personnel department there.
Love,
Mom
Please let me know if you're going to fly off somewhere. I would want to know what plane you're on. And try to conserve your money for necessary items only.

Don't Ask Me Anything About My Date

2009-09-19T07:10:00.000-07:00

A lot of you will probably say, "Good for her for having a date!" However, keep in mind, sometimes I feel like the parent: What's his motive? Who is he? Where will you be going? Is he out of his mind?
See? I really DO care!

I Met This Gal At The Pool

2009-09-12T08:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Tori, I know it's 15 years later, but I'm around next Tuesday...???

3/15/94
Adam-
I met this gal at the pool of a hotel. She owns Maddhatter Films in LA. (xxx)xxx-xxxx. She said she could put you in touch with some managers.
Just don't sign anything!
She'll be back the 1st week in April. Her name is Tori. Just say your mom met her at a pool in Miami and she'll know who it is!
Love,
Mom
Networking can't hurt!

A Thousand Lire

2009-09-06T06:59:00.000-07:00

I received this letter right around the time I was leaving for Italy.
At first glance, I admit the number on the bill took me by surprise. Turned out that a thousand Lire equaled about 75 cents in US money. Hey, I know...it's the thought that counts. Then as I held it closer, I smiled a little, and marveled at the drawing of a mother helping her son with his homework.
It all looked so...normal.

Warm Coat and Hat

2009-08-29T18:35:00.000-07:00

It's not always just what's IN the envelope, but ON. For ALL to see.

Craigslist

2009-08-22T07:58:00.000-07:00

All I said was that I was going to pick up a watch from this guy off Craigslist.
And this is where my mother ended up going...

Tuesday
Adam-
Be careful about meeting people on "Craig's List." I heard from CNN that there are a lot of criminals that prey on people and they have met them to harm them and steal from them. So be cautious!
Love,
Mom
P.S. Please don't go into Mexico because they are kidnapping Americans and cutting off their heads!!

What To Do

2009-08-15T22:36:00.000-07:00

Then what? Then what? Don't LEAVE me here like this!! Tell me, for the love of God...!
WHAT DO I DO NEXT?!?

April 5, 1987
Sunday
Poppy-Seed,
Did you file your taxes yet?
If you're late in filing, they will charge a huge penalty. You have to mail it in by the 15th!!!
You keep the copy. Put it in a safe place.
They'll tell you where to sign it, date it, and enclose the check and the accountant or his secretary will tell you what to do and explain it to you.
Make sure they tell you what the correct amount is or you'll see it at bottom of page. Look it over before signing it.
Love,
Mom

Love To All

2009-08-08T23:11:00.000-07:00

I hear music when I look at this postcard. It's my mother singing an old Jackson Five song. Sounds pretty. But then I realize, she's singing it to the entire staff of Travelcare. And they are all doomed.
(Click below to hear song.)

June 18, 1995-
Hi!!
Here I am in New York City now!
Love to all-
Joan
6 Charles Street-1D
New York, New York 10014

MySpace Playlist at MixPod.com

George Burns

2009-08-01T07:59:00.000-07:00

This letter almost got me to simultaneously quit smoking cigars AND become an insomniac.

Wed.
Adam-
I don't think there's anything wrong with you smoking cigars. Look at George Burns. He lived a long life. Stop letting Maria bully you around.
Love-
Mom
P.S. Get some rest-

About 20 People!

2009-07-25T09:56:00.000-07:00

This postcard made me smile.
Back in 1996, I released my first CD of original songs called, "You Don't Know Me...from Adam". Thanks to my mother, it sold way beyond my wildest expectations!

Adam-
I told everyone at work about the CD. They are all going to buy it!
About 20 people!
Love,
Mom

Dear Mr. President

2009-07-18T22:22:00.000-07:00

So she told me she'd written a letter to the President of the United States of America. "What? Oh no! What did you write?", I asked.
She sent me this copy.
All it needs is...P.S. Eat your vegetables...you'll need your strength.

Adam-
Enclosed find a rough draft of the letter I wrote to the President.
Mom

Dear Mr. President-
I think you will be one of the best Presidents that we ever had.
I worked for a bureaucracy as a social worker for many years and I know how they work. Don't let the "beasts" bother you. They want to keep things "status quo" for their own benefit.
Play it "close to the vest". You're the President. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. You don't have to go on the "Jay Leno" show or any other TV show. You're above all that.
Because you are such a "nice guy", people will take advantage of that. Just do what you do and keep away from the "beasts".
My cell is: xxx-xxx-xxxx and my address is: xx xx xxx
Sincerely,
Joan Cxxx

Rubbers

2009-07-12T10:02:00.000-07:00

Doctor: So how do you feel about your girlfriend breaking up with you, Adam?
Adam: I'll be fine, Doc! But take a look at this...!!

Thursday
Adam-
You need to speak to someone. You can do it on a Saturday. I'll ask my doctor if he knows anyone in LA or you can ask your internist for the name of a psychologist. Even your Eye Doctor (who you like) could recommend someone.
It's hard when something ends. But there's always a new beginning down the line. Hold your ground. You deserve the best and you will get it! You need a help-mate. Someone that gives, not takes!
Love,
Mom
P.S. Make sure you use rubbers! Don't take chances.

Poison

2009-07-04T12:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Adam Pictures presents:
THE MOUSE TRAP II
This time, it's literal.

Monday
Adam,
My roommate at this house I'm staying at, just told me that she put POISON down on her kitchen counters the other day. She said she saw a mouse there. I didn't know about it until just now and I'm the only one who cooks in the kitchen.
I told her if I Drop Dead in the next few days, my son will own her house and everything in it! I just wanted you to know.
Love,
Mom

Paul Walker, Tom Welling and Justin Guarini

2009-06-28T07:08:00.000-07:00

Should guys really get this kind of magazine clipping?
That said, the only celebrity I know of here is Justin Guarini from American Idol. Though I’m pretty sure my Flowbee doesn’t have a setting for that hair style.

Your hair looked SO great when it was short and curly. What does Maria think?

Keep It In Your Closet

2009-06-20T22:41:00.000-07:00

And now it's time for Feng Shui, with Joan...

Saturday
Adam,
Please make sure your tires are in good condition. I got a raise today and I would be glad to pay for a new tire. You could keep the other one for a spare. You could keep it in your closet. I could send you $200 for a new tire. Please let me know. They are still talking about Firestone Tires and how they are bad. I hope you don't have Firestone. Check Maria's tires too.
Mom

Is It Personal?

2009-06-13T23:11:00.000-07:00

Let's see...asphyxiation? Check. Vandalism? Check. Make sure you worry about things that really don't matter? Check. And, oh yeah...Shwew! I almost forgot something...Does your wife not like when I visit?
Check, please.
(Marcello=my 3 year old
Truman=my 5 year old
Maria=my wife)

Adam-
Watch Marcello as he puts things around his neck and he could choke himself! Also, make sure the front door is locked as anyone could come up and open the door.
And, when you pick-up Truman, make sure you get there early enough so you could get a parking spot.
Why does Maria wait till I leave before she comes home? I never get to see her! Is it personal?
Love,
Mom

The Hardest Working Man In Real Estate

2009-06-07T10:15:00.000-07:00

So I was speaking with my close childhood friend, Ben the other day. He lives in Minnesota now and we don't get to speak to each other as often as we'd like. We both have families and are very busy people, but still keep in touch.

Several months ago, he mentioned that my mom sent him a letter. "She sent YOU a letter?", I responded. I'm not sure WHY I acted surprised when I asked him what the letter said. He scanned it and emailed it to me. As I read it for the first time on my computer screen, I was propelled back into the 6th grade boys' locker room (read the very 1st blog entry) as I felt a sudden rush of anger and embarrassment wash over me.

I couldn't imagine why my mother (even though she knows Ben) would feel comfortable writing him and more mortifying...suggest that Ben should speak to me more often. That I miss him. Man! I understand she means well, but come on!

That said, could my mother not have found a decent piece of paper to write ON? This one is courtesy of a realtor known as, "The hardest working man in real estate". Where does she find this stuff? Ironically, I believe my mother could be the mascot for all things prudential...

Benny-
Excuse the paper. I love the picture of your boys. They are so beautiful.
Did you know Adam is selling his house? You should speak to him more often. He misses you.
Love-
Mrs. C

Life Insurance

2009-05-31T21:28:00.000-07:00

Just another normal letter listing her life insurance, along with some advice as to how to best insure my son's life. (Annette, by the way, is my mother-in-law.)

Life Insurance
Adam-
1. United of Omaha-$10,000
2. AARP-right noow $7000 but will increase to $15,000 in May
3. My retirement. You will get $200 a month.
Also, when Annette comes to you, I love her but I wouldn't trust her driving Truman around.
Love,
Mom

Don't Hesitate To Call The Police

2009-05-24T12:07:00.000-07:00

Mailed to me on June 22nd, 1987. Opened for the 1st time on May 24th, 2009. I'm glad she mentioned

(uncle)

in her letter. Otherwise, I might not have known which Michael she was referring to...

Sunday-
Adam-
Do not allow Michael (uncle) to stay in your apartment at any time!
If he shows up, say your girl-friend is there and there is no room. If he calls, say the same thing.
He has no way of knowing. Fore-warned is fore-armed!
Remember, he is not one you can trust for 1 minute and if you value your things, do not allow him in your apartment at ANY time.
Love,
Mom
P.S. Don't hesitate to call the police if he gives you any trouble!

Nan & Michael Are F***ing Out Of Their Head

2009-05-17T20:18:00.000-07:00

Will the real person out of their head, please stand up...

And P.S. Don't worry. My mom ended up moving back to Los Angeles soon after I received this lovely Thanksgiving Day greeting. Are you happy?!

11/24/93
Adam-
After I spoke to you today and you asked me if "I was happy", I wondered if something was wrong with you! How could you ask me that? Do you think I've been having a good time?
I have no home, no job, and I'm struggling just to keep a roof over me and you ask "if I'm happy"!!
I haven't seen you in 4 months. I'm lonely and yet you ask me that. Don't you realize what I'm going through?
Nan & Michael are fucking out of their head and I have no one to talk to. You wanted me out of LA. I should ask, "Are you happy?"
You got what you wanted.
Mom

Ouija Board

2009-05-10T13:45:00.000-07:00

Is this a weird Mother's Day gift?
Maybe that can be the first question I ask of it...

Saturday 5/9/09
Adam-
For Mother's Day, I bought Maria a Ouija board.
I hope you both have fun using it.
Love-
Mom

??

2009-05-02T19:41:00.000-07:00

I don't believe I ever answered ONE of her questions.
That's right. I'm a rebel.
A rebel Chicken.

11/16/99
Chicken,
Here at office-boring!
What date are you coming East?
On what airline?
What airport?
Where are you staying?
What is phone number?
Am I still spending Christmas Day with all of you at Annette's?
Where and what time should I meet you?
What date are you going back?
Do you have warm clothes because it will be bitter cold?
Christmas is on Saturday. I'm off the 24th and 27th so I have 4 whole days. Hope I can spend some time with you.
Much love-
Mom
P.S. As you know, Nan's birthday is 11/29. Bonnie's 12/23.

COMBAT

2009-04-27T21:54:00.000-07:00

This letter is from April 1987...
You gotta love segues...

Monday
Dear Adam-
Do you think it's a good idea to leave the piano in the lobby of a building you're not in anymore? Personally, I would put it in storage for $100 for one month. It may even cost only $50.
There's something new for roaches called Combat. You can buy it at Ralph's. There's no mess and no smell and it works. I got it for my kitchen.
A thought-Alisa is your girlfriend. But until the two of you "tie the knot", I don't think you should confide about very personal matters, do you?
Some things are better kept confidential.
I love you-
Mom

Eva Marie Saint

2009-04-20T13:15:00.000-07:00

Tuesday
Adam-
I just finished up with the Department of Motor Vehicles-and the guy who snapped my picture, asked me if I was Eva Marie Saint! The movie star!
Just thought I'd let you know!
Love,
Mom

Dude

2009-04-12T20:50:00.000-07:00

For anyone who wonders if I still get letters to this day, the answer is, "Yes, Your Honor". This one arrived just yesterday. (My mom doesn't know the first thing about emails.)

While some of you might think it'd be cool to have a mom incorporating the hippest catch phrases into their salutations, the rest of you may understand why I just HAD to post this one immediately. It made me feel kind of strange. OK, VERY strange. I mean, she's just not the "duuuude" kinda guy, you know?

Anyway, I've got to go now and update my resume. Once I nail this high-paying job she wrote me about, it's lunch for everybody on me, baby!

Friday-
Adam-
Check it out dude-
(I like the way that guy Randy talks on American Idol)-
New York Life Insurance is hiring people for various positions. I saw it in today's LA Times. You should look into this. Their starting salary is $34,000 a year!
Love,
Mom

Con Men

2009-04-06T20:00:00.000-07:00

Sunday

Dear Adam,

I heard on National TV that there is a telephone scam on. Con men call on the phone and try to sell you all kinds of things, gets your credit card number and cons people. Hang up on anyone on the phone that tells you of a great deal. Someone called me the other day and I hung up on him. He called me back and I told him if he bothered me again, I would report him to the Better Business Bureau. So, be careful of telephone salesmen.
Love,
Mom

Lifeguard

2009-03-29T18:30:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what pisses me off more about this letter.
The fact that I was 39 when I got it, or the fact that I got it at all. Maybe she just sincerely forgot that I worked as a lifeguard throughout high school and college. At least, that's what I like to tell myself.

Adam-
If you go to the beach, make sure you go where there is a Lifeguard near. It's much safer if you're going in the water.
Love,
Mom

Nan Saw The Letter!

2009-03-22T13:05:00.000-07:00

At least once in my life, someone has told me something about themselves that I feel they’re trying to convince me of believing rather than simply having a normal conversation. Has that happened to you? For me, it’s like hearing the phrase, "I swear I'm telling the truth!" after every word they say. That's how I ALWAYS feel when it comes to my mother. And now, I honestly doubt the validity of everything she tells me.
Take the information sent to me in this letter. 100%? In the whole city? In history? Besides, Nan is 91 years old! She can hardly see anything...

NYCERS=New York City Employee's Retirement System

Just want you to know, if anything happens to me, this is the place you call as you are listed as my beneficiary in the event of my demise and you continue to collect $200 a month.
Mom
(over)
Did you know I was the only one in the history of New York City that ever placed 100% on the civil service exam for social workers? I have the letter they sent me to that effect!
Nan saw the letter!

Self-Addressed Envelope

2009-03-15T23:17:00.000-07:00

About 10pm tonight, I reached into the pile, and opened this as-of-that-moment, unopened letter for the very first time. And since noone is awake to help me understand it, I think I just better go to bed.

5/25/99
Adam-
Please send me address and phone number where you'll be staying in New York. Self-addressed envelope enclosed. ( I won't use it. Just like to have it).
Also, let me know where and what time I'm to meet you. It doesn't matter as I can take off work anytime. But, I need to know a couple of days before. And I have no way to contact you so send me address where you'll be staying so I can feel grounded.
Love,
Mom

Read This

2009-03-08T20:27:00.000-07:00

Right after 9/11, I was scheduled to take a trip from Los Angeles to Boston to attend my best friend's wedding. I had never been a fan of flying and like many people after that day, I became much more paranoid.

Luckily, my mother sent me this New York Post clipping to help calm my nerves.

Read This-
Do you still want to go to Boston?

By Law, You Have to Have a Safe Operating Stove

2009-02-28T21:22:00.000-08:00

I don't know where to begin with this one from 1992. The entry's title's my favorite line in the letter. Although I'm not sure it's against the law, I'd bet an ex-boss of my mom's retaliating against me, is. Right?

9/3/92
Adam-
If your manager does not fix the stove in a short period of time, I will have this lawyer I know write a letter to the owner telling him of the problem. So let me know if you need a lawyer's letter. By Law, you have to have a safe operating stove. And if he takes too much time fixing it, the manager is NOT doing his job! Your rent includes a stove and it poses a hazard (safety).
Love,
Mom
Good Luck! And let me know if you need a letter-
Page 2-
I'm afraid of my ex-boss. The one I had the hearing with. Don't give your address to anyone. She may want to retaliate! (She's crazy)
Also-when you use Bomb in house-you have to rinse dishes and put food away!
(I know-I know-stop acting like a mom!)
Love-
Mom

I Drink Smirnoff Vodka

2009-02-16T01:17:00.001-08:00

Just found this letter and it made me wonder...
am I more of a Poppy Seed or a Chicken Feather?
Seriously, if anyone deserves a drink...

3/10/99
Chicken Feather-
Enclosed find $20. It always helps to have an extra $20.
I can't wait for May so I can get out of here and come to see you. I miss you.
Don't plan anything for my birthday. I'd just like to have one of those steaks. And I drink Smirnoff Vodka.
Love,
Mom